Friday, October 17, 2014

Just because..

I am a peace loving person
doesn't mean that I am at peace.


Wednesday, August 20, 2014

We need some confetti over here!

The story so far..

My life has changed on many levels since the last time I was here. Somehow, I feel that I have not fully come to terms with it either.
This is a long overdue post. I kept thinking of this post for so long that I lost track of how to get to it. Since I love making lists, that's exactly what I am going to do. List it all out. Bear with me.

1. Few months back I upgraded my reading challenge from 36 books to 50, almost smug. The scene right now..I'm in a reading slump. WEEKS..not days has gone by, without me picking up a book to read. I am going to blame it on how much I eye-rolled while reading Divergent..making me dread reading Insurgent. I am half way through book 2 and I know for a fact that I am in hell and I am still subjecting myself to the trauma. I know, I know the series is world loved. Not my cup of tea though. I am hoping it will get better, although I highly doubt it. The weirdest thing is..I'm not really stressing about it.

2. It's been almost 2 months since I wrote something. Before, even if I don't blog, I make it a point to scribble random atrocities in my scribble book. Nowadays.. not so much. My mind keeps flitting from one thing to another. Restless. Truth be told..even though I missed being here. I'm happy that I took the hiatus.

3. I'm tired all the time. But I don't mind it much. Fatigue is my new soul mate.

4. Something as simple as breathing comes and goes in huffs and puffs now. Strangely, it seems welcome now.

5. Knitting has taken up almost all my free time. I have garnered up courage to pick up crochet projects too.

6. Eating healthy has got to be one of the most boring things I have done lately. It is almost stressful. Bring me my deluxe cheeseburger and extra serving of fries! :(

7. I have gained around 8 pounds and I don't remember being this happy about it.

8. Oh and I burp like a truck driver. TMI, I know. Deal with it. :D

9. TheBetterHalf and I celebrate our 4th anniversary this month end. 4 years of drama and wonderfulness. Knock on wood, I love that man!

10. Oh btw..I'm expecting. I just wrapped up my first trimester few weeks back. ( ie, if you hadn't guessed that by now. :P  For the rest who had no clue where this whole post was leading to..see how I sneaked that right past you :D )

11. Did I tell you.. IT'S TWINS ?!!!!!

12. They are going to be winter babies. Even though the doctor said the due date is late January, he also mentioned since it is twins we can expect them almost around 4 weeks before the due date. So late december, early January it is. #notfreakingoutatall. Winter Is Coming has taken a whole new meaning in our household. Good Lord, I am having twins!!

Yeap. Expecting. Twins. Enjoying the honeymoon period aka second trimester. Though lemme assure you everything was not a cake walk.

August 30, 2014 marks the 4th year since TheBetterHalf and I have been together. Ours was an arranged marriage; traditional in all sense. We both come from very different backgrounds and there was a lot of getting used to. There are so many aspects to each of us. Our dreams, aspirations, weaknesses: all different. As a matter of fact, we are poles apart and I thank my lucky stars for it. He is more of the feet firmly rooted on the ground steady kind of person while I am like a leaf  floating around on a lake with no aim whatsoever! But I digress. We both wanted to have some years together as just a couple. We wanted to figure so many things before even thinking of bringing a child into the relationship.
We were newly married. For me, life was close to perfect. Yes there were fights, which we fought ardently. Yet, we had just each other at the end of the day since both families were on the other side of the globe! Even though queries of 'good news' was almost incessant even in the first year of marital bliss, we would brush it away with the 'newly married' excuse.
In the second year of marriage when 'should we think of starting a family' was not such a scary threw its first curve ball for us. I was diagnosed with PCOS. We had heard of a lot of couples successfully conceiving while dealing with PCOS. We were young and we were optimistic. However, nature had other plans for me. Trying to conceive with PCOS in the picture, was like a hard kick in the crotch in my case.
I am not going go into detail because frankly it still hurts. Long story short, after what seems like a gazillion appointments with the gynecologist, endocrinologist, medications, blood tests, hormone shots, a miscarriage, many negative test results, many heartbreaks, tears and borderline depression..imagine my disbelief when the nurse calls me and actually tells me that the pregnancy test result came out positive!
We go for our first scan and the surprise doesn't end there. When the doctor asks us "So how do you feel about twins? "

It was happy gasps.. ugly happy crying and hugging. The next day was TheBetterHalf's birthday! #BestBirthdayNewsEver, he said. I love love love that man to bits. I didn't warn you that the post could get cheesy, did I? Aah too late for that now. :D

When the kiddos were teeny tiny 7 weeks!
They said the first trimester, I would be puking away. I would feel light headed and nauseous. To all that I said, Bring it on! Apparently my body got a different memo. My morning sickness included Pregnancy Hives! Now what in the world is that?! Nobody warned me about me that. So much heartburn that I would be awake all night. I have a significant bump now and only recently have I accepted it as my bump. My explanation being: cravings for carbs and anything unhealthy! The kiddos are the size of two bell peppers now. Aah how I love baby apps! I still find it hard to believe and I have this urge to blurt out at random hours that I am pregnant. I don't fight that urge. I actually say that out loud. :D I'm hormonal, scared, emotional, deliriously happy, and a moron now. So be nice to me and rejoice! :D

Till  the next time, I am going to leave you with the picture of my bump at 16 weeks. Now where is the confetti ? :D

Yea I made those. I am cool that way 8)

Saturday, June 28, 2014

We are all onions here

One look at a person and you barely see anything. Sure, you see the person's physical appearance. But you are missing out on so much! You don't see the layers, the plots, the subplots. You don't realize there might be unreliable narrators narrating the story of his life. A light to someone's life and yet a tyrant to some! The characters keep changing their course of action landing them in more trouble than needed. One moment the protagonist, can soon change to a mere extra, looking helplessly into another scene. He might not always be able to save the day like a superhero.There is no script. It's all an improv out there. Happy endings might not always happen. Heart breaks may not be mended. Yet, there might be days when he feels like he is the king of the world. Listen closely and you might even hear the soundtrack of his life! But who has the time to pause and look into another person's life. His victories and tribulations: all his own.
So many sublayers to one's life. You don't see any of that standing 5 feet away from the guy. All you see is a guy with a forgettable face delivering your pizza on a Thursday night. All he sees is a miserable and lonely you, too lazy to cook and who paid him a tip way too less for the effort he put in.

Layers: Nobody sees them.You are lost in them, alone.

Friday, June 6, 2014


All these hellos, the goodbyes.
The please's, the thankyou's.
The polite smiles, the nods.
Most of them, most of the time
don't care.
Yet, they do it anyway.
Far from the feral age.
Civilization, they call it.
Sometimes darling,
it drives
the sanity right out of me.
The heart yearns divine solitude.

P.S - I have been a lousy blogger, I know. I have missed writing and reading the other blogs. The hiatus was not planned. You know how life is this sneaky person throwing curveballs at us all the time. So every now and then it turns out to be a really good thing? I know I am being cryptic and doing a bad job at it.What I am trying to say is, I think I am going to be more active henceforth. I have loads to talk so keep your ears to the ground! :)

Thursday, April 17, 2014


Routine is therapeutic,
when you are at peace folding your laundry.
When a smile plays at the corners of your lips,
as a random conversation replays in your head.
And you smell the clean scent of freshly washed linen.

Routine becomes a curse,
when one look at your overflowing laundry basket
makes you contemplate all your life's choices.
You think, is it time already?
You  just washed a truckload of clothes.

The cycle continues.


Friday, March 28, 2014

Leave me bruises, leave me breathless.

After a while, you get somewhat addicted to the pain. Not that you would go and hammer a nail on your palm, but you strain out a certain painful pleasure thinking about it. You are repelled by your growing temptation towards pain. You think that you can't take the pain anymore but a part of you knows that you can take much more than this. Patiently you listen to them telling you it will work out, that it will be alright. You nod your head in agreement. Somewhe deep inside you a voice questions, what if.. it doesn't work? what if.. everything don't turn out the way you want? what then? Your stubborn belief for a happy ending, a positive outcome trembles ever so lightly.
Many a time you think your heart cannot take it anymore, that it will explode unless you vent it out. You think of the last time you cried your heart out and you can't remember when. Every now and then, your eyes brim with wasteful briny tears threatening to wreck the walls of your sanity. You swiftly wipe them off because you are too practical and concerned about your congested nose later on!
So you don't cry. You dream of good times..make fervent plans, too far in your future. Then, retreat back fearing what if they don't come true. Then just like that, you are overshadowed by despair and what ifs. The despair pushes right through you. Just for a second, you let it seep into your cells. It feels so good to wallow in self pity. You have been through so much. You deserve so much better. It feels almost blissful to just sit and pity yourself. Snap out of it, you think. You heave three long breaths and convince yourself, you feel much better. You push them all out. Out of your system, the good thoughts and the bad ones.
You float through it all. The pain, the sorrow, the disappointments, the paranoia becomes a part of who you are. You can no longer separate yourself from them. Some days you let them consume you, leaving you breathless. On good days, you wear them around like battle wounds. You dream of a day the wounds and violet green bruises would just be a faint scar. You would trace your finger on the scars, reminisce your battle days. You also dream to miss the pain pulsing through you. You long to look back and think you were strong even when you thought you were weak. You were persistent even when you thought you couldn't go on.
You wait for all that to happen. While right now, pain flows freely through your veins.


Saturday, March 15, 2014

Reading Minds

It would be a blatant lie if you said you spent every waking hour thinking of her. You didn't. You have a life, your own things to worry about. At the same time, it's not that you didn't think of her. You so did. She had this knack of creeping into your thoughts. Unannounced and demanding, she would enamor your whole being. It never ceases to amuse you how even the most mundane things seem to remind you of her.
A long forgotten song would straight away take you to the sleepless nights you both spent talking on the phone. Time spent simply listening to her voice. After what seems like minutes, she would fall asleep and the call not yet disconnected. You do not disconnect, you spend some more time listening to her light snoring. She would deny it with a vengeance if you ever told her about the snoring. A random fragrance would remind you of her scent. You were not sure whether it was her perfume or her shampoo. Heck, you didn't even know how to describe the fragrance. Was it fruity or flowery? A whiff and you had her gushing through you.
You would be going about living your humdrum life, when your mind is bombarded with her thoughts. It would suddenly and  inevitably light up every cell in your being, like fireworks on a moonless night. You would smile, shake your head in slight disbelief. How can an unassuming girl steal your mind and leave you aching for the next time you meet.

You realize that you are an absolute cliche when it comes to her. You would be reading and before you realize, you had been reading the same line for the past five minutes. Yet again, she has come and conquered your thoughts. Her laughter, her insecurity over her laughter. The way she averts her eyes when she catches you staring. You love how easily she blushes. Little pink splotches on her pale face. She is a shy girl but pretends otherwise.
You could barely hide your surprise, how easily she took your hand for the first time and held them. Taking the 2 steps between you both, she had held your face, smiled self consciously and proceeded to take your breath away by kissing you. You had given so much thought about your first kiss and never expected it the way it turned out. Thinking about the kiss you wonder, whether it was you who was the shy one! You wonder how you both clicked. You were both as different as night and day. In your mind, she would be the night. A starlit night in the woods with the moon in all its glory.
 She asks you, do you ever think about me when we are not together? You almost laugh out loud at the absurdity of the question and answer yes, ofcourse you do. You notice that her smile has faltered. She has most likely misinterpreted your lame grin. She remains quiet, silently urging you to continue. She expects more than that. You don't say anything more. She is obviously disappointed. If only she could read your mind.